A Guide to Mello's Heart
by OthilaOdal
Summary: Matt gets tired of people asking him to explain how to "get with" Mello and decides to print a short guide to Mello's heart and post it up on all the notice boards at Wammy's House.


**A Guide to Mello's Heart.**

**Rating: **T.

**Summary:**Matt gets tired of having people ask him to explain how to "get with" Mello and decides to print a short guide to Mello's heart and post it up on all the notice boards at Wammy's House.

**Pairings: **MattxMello.

**Warnings:** Matt has no sense of privacy but it's not overtly explicit.

**Author's Notes: **I don't even know how I landed with this idea.

Enjoy :)…..please.

* * *

**A Guide to Mello's Heart.**

Matt put pen to paper. His forehead creased in concentration. The fluorescent light from his table lamp set fire to the scarce little soft red hair on his arm. He bit his lip.

_How to begin? _He wondered.

He glanced at the homework he had pushed aside giving his "personal project" more preference. For a second he considered giving up and flipping through the homework questions. He cocked a brow.

_No fucking way. _He decided.

Much of his decision came from the need procrastinate and ignore the existence of his assignments but most of it was from the conversations he had been having with several inhabitants of Wammy's House lately.

"Hey, Matt!" They'd call him. Each person that approached him would take him to a side and out of earshot. He'd simply purse his lips pretending as though socializing with people he had never spoken to before wasn't awkward for him. "Hey you know Mello right?"

His brow would cock subtly. _Mello, of course. Why else would anyone speak to me?_ It wasn't that Matt minded being in his best friend's shadow. In fact he enjoyed it. He got front row tickets to all the drama in the world without caring about any involvement more than a couple of laughs. But ever since the boys and girls in their batch had gone two years into puberty, Mello had become a strangely popular topic of discussion.

"Yeah, I know Mello."

"You guys are friends right?"

His face would contort into an expressionless display of a lack of admiration for their indecisive and mediocre observations.

"The very best." He'd say.

"Then could you do me a favor, buddy?"

_Buddy? You don't know me. You've never spoken to me before. You wouldn't speak to me unless it was about Mello. You don't even bother to make one decisive conclusion about me. And you think bribing me with the label of being in a tedious social relationship with you is going to work? Wammy are you sure this guy here is a prodigy?_

Matt would shrug. He could indulge. It was bound to be entertaining to at least hear what the guy had to say.

"Sure, **buddy**." He'd give the guy a small smile.

"Could you put in a good word for me?" The guy would say with a flirtatious small smile. "You know what I mean?"

Matt's brow would cock. A mischievous grin would spread over one of his cheeks.

"You like Mello?"

"He is something, isn't he?"

Matt would look around wondering if "something" even begins to describe Mello. He is fire. He is the sun. He is the ticking in the back of your mind urging you to move. He is, as he once so aptly put it for Matt, "Ich bin dien Herr, dien Miester. Du bist mien haustier" which roughly made Matt his bitch, from what little he knew of German. _  
_

"So what do you say?" The guy would rudely pull Matt out of thoughts of the blonde.

"Dude it's going to take so much more than a couple of good words." He'd say, laughing softly. "Do you really think he's that easy?"

The guy would frown. "What should I do then?"

_Hah! Going after Mello without a plan? It's like walking into a deathtrap! _He was glad he hadn't said it out loud. After all, his relationship with the blonde had also been a process of trial and error.

"I can drop a line or something for you." He'd say, slapping the guy's arm as hard as his hand would allow. "But that's all I can do. The rest is up to you."

"But you'd know things about him, right?" The guy would push. "Things that might help me get on his good side."

_Oh the audacity!_

"Yes." He'd grin. "And someday I'll tell you."

He'd walk away masking his bitterness to the best of his ability.

Matt frowned. It had happened much too often lately. It was as though all of the boys had decided they were all gay for Mello. Matt pitied the girls at Wammy's, being ignored so crudely.

He glanced at the blonde sitting at the table a few feet from him at his computer, hurriedly doing his research. Matt smiled.

Mello's eyelids were close to force shut down and so was his brain. The day after was a holiday and Mello was planning on sleeping till it became too hard to ignore the sun, or perhaps longer. And Matt could make use of that to execute his personal project without Mello finding out.

He shook his head and put pen back to paper. It was time to teach the n00bs how it's done.

* * *

_**Dear Bright and Talented Prodigies of Wammy's House,**_

_This is your favorite gamer, self-proclaimed best hacker in the world and the winner of "Who Can Go the Longest Without Peeing During a Star Wars and LOTR Marathon" against two others. Yes, it is I, __**Matt**__, coming to you with information you have all been begging for. _

_Let me point out that this circular will be up on __**all Wammy Notice Boards**__ for just __**twenty-four hours**__ so spread the word, bring out your writing materials and start taking notes. Let the race begin!_

_**A Guide to Mello's Heart**_

_Let's start with the basics, shall we? _

_**Do not attempt to be overtly social and/or comfortable with him unless he starts doing so first.  
**__That means, no touching him casually, no "dude" "bro" "mate" "buddy" "darling" "honey" "hun" "babe" "baby" "meowmeow" "Mellz" "Mell" or any such benign terms unless he does so first._

_**Do not take too much of his time.**__  
That means keep your sentences clear and concise and don't dawdle or beat around the bushes unless you'd like him to walk out on you in the middle of the conversation without even a "kthxbai"._

_**Do not ask him about the hair.**__  
I mean you can ask. But his reply will be "Can't a guy have nice hair?" and if you push any further than that you'll find yourself in the infirmary like Scott and Ryan and Wendy and Jack and Timothy and Marlin and….you get the picture._

_**Do not compliment him the first few times of speaking to him.**__  
In fact, don't compliment him unless he has gotten on benign term basis with you. This might take days or years, depending on whether you're doing it right or not. But, please, mentioning how awesome or something he is on the first day is only going to earn you the dafuq-are-you? face._

_**Do not agree with him all the time.**__  
If there is anything Mello hates more than a premature compliment it's a person who always agrees with him. It shows that you have no brains and he wouldn't be mean to you. He'll keep you as a footstool but you can forget about getting in his pants._

_**While arguing with him, do not call him stupid.**__  
Unless you want the famous Matt-had-a-black-eye-for-five-weeks face._

_Now that you have gotten past the primary stages of getting to know Mello, he might be more comfortable with your presence and wouldn't eye you suspiciously or hiss at you if you walk up to him. I have mentioned what you shouldn't be doing. But what is the fast track? What should you be doing to not just be acquainted with him but well-liked by him? Here's what:_

_**Show little care for Near.**__  
You're allowed to like Near but don't talk about how "smart" or "awesome" Near is unless you'd like to lose a few teeth. I should point out this doesn't mean you should hate Near or express hatred towards him. That would be equivalent of a premature compliment and is not advised at any point of your relationship with Mello unless you sincerely hate Near and have a __**very **__good reason to do so._

_**Be Smart and Witty.**__  
This is rather important. Mello is very easily bored and won't put up with a social scenario that becomes too boring unless it is beneficial to his studies. Therefore, he relies on friends for entertainment and you need to be there to provide that for him. Make jests and witty remarks with a quirky undertone and he's sure to enjoy your twisted sense of humor._

_**Make him Laugh and keep him in Good Company.**__  
This is different from being merely witty. This requires more dedication. You need to be able to go out of your way to keep him company. This means pulling pranks with him, sneaking with him, exploring Wammy's grounds with him, sacrificing sleep and going out with him, getting into situations that will almost get you expelled or killed. Brace yourself. This is a test of your dedication to him. If you accomplish this, things will get warm between you and him._

_**Give him Good Advice.**__  
This is actually thin ice. You do not want to seem exerting or seem like you think lowly of him or his intelligence. You need to be neutral and honest at the same time. Good luck with that one. Don't worry about your advice giving bad results. It's the thought that counts….sometimes._

_After all of this, you will notice a change in Mello's behavior around you. He won't exactly be soft spoken but a lot less of a pain to be around. He'll start inviting you over, spending more time with you and basically enjoying your presence. It's time to take this friendship into love._

_**Buy him Chocolates.**__  
This gesture will be received with starry eyes and the cutest smile you will ever witness. Warning: do not stare directly into the starry eyes or you'll lose your calm and end up confessing and things will get awkward. Warning two: Mello knows a good chocolate from a bad one. Don't buy him cheap shit. Be generous._

_**Tell him you're proud of him when he does well in class.**_

_**Tell him he'll do better next time and that you're sure of it if he doesn't do well in class.**__  
Make sure you aren't lying when you say either of those things. Mello can sniff liars._

_**During tantrums do not tell him to calm down.**__  
Unless you'd like me to write you a eulogy._

_If you have been doing things right so far Mello will invite you to study with him at the library. This might seem like a tiny gesture but in Melloland it's the greatest of honors. It means a huge deal to him to study with someone. It's his idea of a perfect date and non-physical intimacy. Treat it as such. Be very grateful to get to this point without being hacked to pieces and cooked with the evening stew. Also, this is a very good opportunity for you considering the fact that if he has chosen you to do this with you are all alone with him in a deserted library late at night while everyone else is asleep. You have him all to yourself. Make the most of this moment. Go as far as your courage and Mello will allow you to go._

_Now we have rambled on and on about how you should be and how you shouldn't. So let me tell you a few things __**about Mello**__ that might further aid your cause._

_**Mello wakes up before you do. **__Don't try to beat him at it._

_**Mello won't tell you he loves you unless he is sure.**__ Don't try to rush him._

_**Mello leans his head towards the right when he kisses.**__ You lean to your right __**not**__ his._

_**Mello wears strawberry lip balm when he wants to initiate the first kiss.**__ Look at his lips for clues._

_**Mello likes to wear black underwear.**__ Despite it being an international symbol for "I want to get laid". Don't confuse the two. He is often in the mood but not always. If he doesn't seem to be in the mood don't get grabby or you'll break a leg….literally._

_**Mello is aware of the fact that he is sexually attractive.**__ And will use his assets to get your confession prematurely. Stay strong._

_**Mello likes being kissed on his neck, below his ear. **__That's the muscle right next to the internal jugular. It's his sexy spot._

_**Run a hand over his spine. **__If he shudders, you're doing it right._

_**Mello does not top for the first few times.**__ You know what I'm saying._

_**Mello will not tolerate you spanking him.**_

_**Mello will spank you.**_

_**Mello will put you on life support if you come in his hair. **__Control your faucet._

_**The day you forget to bring the lube is the day he will forget you exist.**_

_**Mello spends hours making notes, do not have sex with him on his table or anywhere near his notes.**_

_**Mello bites. **__Deal with it._

_**Mello is into a form of BDSM.**__ You will always be the submissive. He will always be the dominant. Do not even try to talk him into exchanging roles. He will make your sex life very difficult for you if you do._

_**Mello is an animal with severe sexual needs.**__ Fail at that and you'll find yourself looking for a new mate._

_**Don't be afraid to try to talk him into a new fetish to spice up the bedroom life.**__ He'll make it clear when he doesn't agree…..very….clear._

_**Mello makes satisfied noises if you have done the sex right.**__ Stay in bed for them or forever be deprived of their existence._

_So now that you have gotten all of that down and registered the knowledge I will give you the ultimate key without which you can tirelessly work at all those points above but to no avail. This is colossal information, the one and only thing that will ensure you stay on the right path and follow all the rules mentioned above. It will make all of the above come as natural information to you and make Mello putty in your hands._

_**You have to be Matt.**_

_Thank you for your time, dimwits!_

_Peace out!_

* * *

Mello groggily shuffled towards the students crowded around the notice board.

_What're they doing?_ He wondered. _Results aren't till next week._

He had been lying in his bed with Matt after he had finished his research and had completely falled asleep until Matt had left the bed. The click of the door when Matt left had woken him up but he had stayed anticipating the redhead's return. After an hour and a half of feeling his bed grow cold without Matt, Mello had frowned and left it, putting on a shirt and venturing outside to find the redhead.

But all he had found were students gathering like ants around a notice board. He pushed a few aside and made his way to the paper they were all so busy reading. His eyes scanned over it, reading it at a fast speed. _Hi, Matt!_ He thought smiling and realizing the circular had been put up by his boyfriend. But as his brain registered the rest of the words his smile disappeared, replaced by a scowl and a cocked brow. He read the last line and glared at the circular.

"Oh shit!" He heard a familiar voice behind him and he turned around to face Matt. The redhead was holding papers fresh and hot from printing and small box of thumb tacks, looking at him as though dreading what was to come next.

"You weren't…supposed to see that." The redhead whispered.

"No I wasn't." Mello replied taking a step towards Matt. The students around them grew silent. Mello could feel their eyes on him and Matt.

"If it's any consolation," Matt began "I have been asked this about you so many times that the next person who would've asked would've ended up in a meat grinder."

"So you decided to tell?" Mello stepped closer, now only an inch or two away from Matt's face. "And no it's no consolation."

"Am I going to get punished?" Matt's eyes darted around looking for an escape.

"Yes. You are." Mello placed a kiss on the redhead's lips. "In my bed that's growing cold without you."

* * *

**Author's Notes: **

The random German in the middle was something I just couldn't help.

"Ich bin dien Herr, dien Miester. Du bist mien haustier." = "I am your Lord, your master. And you are my pet."

I don't even know why I wrote this! Bah! It's not incredibly awesome or anything. But I just thought, what the hell let's put it up. I should mention, usually everything I write has some dark undertone of emotional wreckage and/or feels so please point out if I have completely failed at lightheartedness…..because I'm guessing I have….badly. I need complex emotions. : Thanks a bunch and I'd love it if you drop me a review.


End file.
